Advice | Carolyn Hax: I’m casually seeing this guy, and he’s great. So why am I having anxious-attachment feelings about him? On the rare occasion he doesn’t respond to a text fast, I start wondering if he’s bored with me. Why do you freak out so much?
I’m casually seeing this guy, and he’s great. We communicate well, he’s responsive to my bids for affection, and I’m overall just really happy with the relationship as it is in the moment. So why am I having anxious-attachment feelings about him?!On the rare occasion he doesn’t respond to a text RIGHT AWAY, I find myself wondering whether he’s bored with me and doesn’t like me anymore, or whether I said something that offended him.
Then, of course, he does text me back, and we have a nice conversation, and it’s clear he does still like me, and internally, I’m like, “Lol silly goose, why do you freak out so much?”I do have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style, so I know a lot of this is just how I’m wired, but it’s really frustrating to feel this way. Especially when this guy gives me absolutely no reason to! I feel like a crazy person, and I just want to be able to enjoy this relationship.
So when you are okay with the concept of you and only you, and you believe on a cellular level that if you wind up one day just a solo person with your savings account and a blank life canvas, you will be okay? Then bye-bye nervous attachments for good. Because it’s independent of whether “this guy gives me absolutely no reason to” worry; the assurance is internal and 100 percent yours.
· Is the casual relationship what you want? Because that level of anxiety around texting doesn’t sound like it to me. Are you going along with that because it’s what the guy wants and you want to be the “cool” date? If you want to see this guy more than casually, then it’s okay to want that. Pay attention to what your anxiety is telling you.
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