THE IRON KINGDOM—Counseling his disciple that the martial lineage had been passed down through untold generations, video game swordsman Master Feralt reportedly spent a Wednesday morning lesson teaching his pupil the unbeatable secret technique of backpedaling away from one’s foe while wildly swinging your weapon. “To defeat even the most hardened warrior, you must quickly back away while flailing your sword in the general direction of your enemies until all have been vanquished—witness!” said the venerable swordsman before demonstrating the unbeatable combat skill in which he shuffled backward while repeatedly whipping his blade without any thought to self-defense or aim. “Its genius lies in its simplicity: You are moving away from your enemies, yet your blade remains close enough to strike them. Indeed, my student, it is even stronger than our legendary tactic of backing a knight onto a rock so his sword’s swings will forever remain just above your head.” At press time, the video game master had issued a grave warning to never dodge-roll towards a wall during the technique, as it could result in the pupil clipping through the barrier and forever plummeting into an endless void.
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