University Installs Red-Light Phones For Conservative Students Being Assaulted By Progressive Beliefs

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University Installs Red-Light Phones For Conservative Students Being Assaulted By Progressive Beliefs
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ITHACA, NY—In an effort to improve student safety on campus, Cornell University reportedly completed the installation of 36 red-light emergency phones Thursday for conservative students to use if they feel they have been assaulted by progressive beliefs.

“We are committed to protecting any right-leaning student who merely wants to get to their dorm or class without being threatened by trans rights or radical feminists,” Cornell president Martha E.

Or maybe it’s late at night, and you hear a pack of strangers approaching you from behind while discussing Michel Foucault. Perhaps you’re just in the library and realize that Karl Marx himself is on your reading list. Now all you have to do is get out of there immediately and retreat to one of our red light phones. We can have a counselor to you in under five minutes with a copy of Atlas Shrugged and a phone preloaded with Matt Walsh podcasts.

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