Cooking a turkey is too much work for too little reward, writes miamarket
Can you spot what is wrong with this picture? Photo-Illustration: by The Cut; Photo: GMVozd/Getty Images Stuffing. Mashed potatoes. Macaroni and cheese. Sweet-potato casserole. Perfectly golden dinner rolls. Some green-bean casserole to soothe the Midwesterner in all of us. Side dishes are the true stars of Thanksgiving dinner. That’s right — I’m coming for your precious holiday bird. Turkey is not welcome at my Thanksgiving.
Turkey is too much work for too little reward. Every recipe uses words like “babysit” when talking about how to properly cook a turkey. No! I do not want to be the caretaker of my food. My food should take care of me. I’ve never had to coddle a pot of mashed potatoes, sing sweetly to some green beans as I dump them into a Pyrex with cream of mushroom soup. My crunchy onions need no chaperone. My stuffing basically prepares itself.
BuT i NeEd MeAt fOr DinNeR! Fine! Have chicken or whatever. I guess you can roast a ham if you so please. Also — I’m going to need you to take a breath and think for a moment before you respond to what I’m about to say — there are very delicious vegetarian alternatives that require no removal of innards or colonial rituals. Have you met the Celebration Roast? It is wonderful and, I believe, fulfills what you want out of your turkey.
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