.newyorkerhumor, from 2012: “I’m the cute one. I’m sweet, I’m red, and I plop out of a can.”
No, trust me, I get it. I’m the cute one. I’m sweet, I’m red, and I plop out of a can. It’s fun. It’s endearing. It’s hilarious.with them—so before you all dig in and give your thanks, I would like to say a few things that have been on my mind for a while now. Because damn it, I’m a legitimate part of the meal, and it’s about time I was treated as such.Plainly put, I’m very, very sad. O.K.? Hurt, humiliated, a little fed up maybe.
Look, do you think I don’t see what you see? I’m repulsive. I stick out like a sore thumb. A red, wobbly sore thumb. Plopped down on this table with the ridges from my can still branded into my side, othering me, shaming me—your store-bought freak, your high-caloric Hester Prynne. You could at least slice me and give me an ounce of dignity. But no, that’s life, baby. That’s me: Thanksgiving’s Elephant Man. Just the cold, wet afterthought to a piping-hot feast cooked with patience and love.
I’m thankful to Frank for running back into the kitchen to get that novelty turkey spoon to serve me with, like I wasn’t already everybody’s monkey in a sailor suit.I’m thankful to Aunt Beth for agreeing with him like he’s the child she never was able to have.
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