How our memories can get in the way when we're trying to recover from heartbreak, writes drlamia
Whereas some people may disavow any wrongdoing for the demise of a relationship, others may self-blame or seek certainty for the separation decision. The anguish of circumstances where love is impossible or lost is sublimely expressed by the music, words, and vocal tones of numerous songs. The bereft may feel less alone in resonating with a song; those who have lost love tend to silently hold their grief.
We live through others and in them, so when another person turns away from us we become unseen in a sense that we may believe we cease to be . Some theorists have used the term “ego shock” or “cognitive shock” to refer to a state of psychological paralysis resulting from powerful blows to one’s or pride, where we have an inability to think clearly and have shame-related thoughts that lead us to imagine our worst and most damaged self .system, which evolution designed to protect our future choices, does not seem to let us forget. Our brain actively engages with images of a remembered past. Memory can bring forth an earlier but unresolved experience of shame that may have involved a crushing betrayal or the recollection of an important personal relationship that had been surrendered.
Morris, C. E., Reiber, C., & Roman, E. . Quantitative sex differences in response to the dissolution of a romantic relationship. Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences, 9, 270–282.
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