Rock-Bottom Loser Entertaining Offers From Several Religions

日本 ニュース ニュース

Rock-Bottom Loser Entertaining Offers From Several Religions
日本 最新ニュース,日本 見出し
  • 📰 TheOnion
  • ⏱ Reading Time:
  • 42 sec. here
  • 2 min. at publisher
  • 📊 Quality Score:
  • News: 20%
  • Publisher: 51%

FINDLAY, OH—Local resident Owen Pritchard's recent downward spiral into drug addiction, unemployment, and complete and utter hopelessness has sparked the intense interest of several top world religions, each of which is vying for his services as a devotee, the 39-year-old uncommitted prospective convert reported Monday.

Some top faiths have noticed Pritchard's ability to plummet to the very depths of depravity.

After declaring his intention to drink himself into oblivion two months ago, Pritchard received pamphlets, letters, and VHS tapes from various religions, all urging him to join their faith. Most deals reportedly guarantee a lifetime of salvation, with additional incentives such as entrance into paradise, the promise of a new and better life, and the ineffable reward of union with a supreme deity.

Pritchard has been showered with gifts as the religious institutions attempt to curry favor and sway his decision. He has received a free Book Of Mormon from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a 2008 wall calendar from the Christians, and was even visited at his home by two representatives from the Jehovah's Witnesses, which Pritchard said was flattering, but "came off as a little too desperate.

このニュースをすぐに読めるように要約しました。ニュースに興味がある場合は、ここで全文を読むことができます。 続きを読む:

TheOnion /  🏆 724. in US

日本 最新ニュース, 日本 見出し

Similar News:他のニュース ソースから収集した、これに似たニュース記事を読むこともできます。

Recovery funds help feed a university’s bottom lineRecovery funds help feed a university’s bottom lineOne university hopes to use money intended for needy students to cover a rebate to attract sign-ups for its online summer classes.
続きを読む »

Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower RoutineRock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower RoutineSEATTLE—Saying he was confused about the full extent of its purpose as well as its overall benefit, local man Jacob Ferris, 25, nonetheless surmised today that the oblong rock located in girlfriend Sarah Milstein’s shower caddy must somehow factor into her bathing routine, sources confirmed.
続きを読む »

Kevin Costner Shares His Band's Hopeful Rock Tune to Uplift FansKevin Costner Shares His Band's Hopeful Rock Tune to Uplift FansThe actor and musician took to YouTube to give fans hope with the song, 'The Sun Will Rise Again.'
続きを読む »

ABC Sets Bachelor Best-of Series as Bachelorette Production Delay ContinuesABC Sets Bachelor Best-of Series as Bachelorette Production Delay ContinuesABC is making sure Bachelor Nation stays entertained, even during the coronavirus outbreak
続きを読む »

10 High-Waist Leggings and Shorts That Won't Slip During Your Next Workout10 High-Waist Leggings and Shorts That Won't Slip During Your Next WorkoutShop these high-waist bottoms from Under Armour for your next workout.
続きを読む »



Render Time: 2025-03-13 14:15:51