Carolyn Hax: Elite university grad tires of competitive friends
In the five years since college, I have grown away from this — I just don't want to measure my life against anyone's or be measured against. I love these friends in some ways and don't want to let go of them, but I also notice that I don't feel great after seeing them. I get pulled back into that competitive mode and find it hard to resist, and then afterward feel depleted because it just feels so dehumanizing to have your life weighed and measured for worth.
The flip side is that we need to be aware of when we’re asking too much, when we’re asking others to do our parts as well as theirs, or leaning too hard on only one person.But assuming you haven’t even let on that you’re not 100 percent okay, I think you’re safe from that one for a while. If you’re looking for words, then I’d suggest being direct, specific, and open-ended: “I’m actually not so great at the moment, and wondering whether you have a few minutes for me to run something by you.” That way you give the person a chance to say, “Sure, I’m free now,” or, “Sure, but not till tomorrow, can I text you then when I’m free?” Or etc.
And when you don’t have the right words or the right person at the right time, trust self-care. It puts your body in a better position to process whatever is swirling around it, and it’s something you control.
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