As part of Red's collaboration with the Mental Health Foundation, writer Clare Mohan is shining a light on navigating a relationship with BPD and what you need to know.
Clare Mohan always believed herself unlovable - but then she fell in love right in the midst of a mental health crisis. Here, she explains what it's like navigating a relationship with boderline personality disorder.
My daily commute to Hammersmith, where I worked for the local council, was punctuated by the feeling that someone else was controlling my body and wanted me to take my own life. For weeks, I minimised what I was experiencing – until I spoke to a doctor friend who told me firmly to go to hospital. When I got there, the nurse talked me through my options. She offered to find me a bed on an inpatient ward, but it was my decision.
I had been living with the symptoms for so long it felt like normality - I was just"highly strung', I told myself. But, the assault I experience pushed me into crisis. The volume turned up on every emotion. Before my"breakdown", I'd found it hard to connect with people. I had a pattern of pushing people away when they got close, afraid that they'd run when they got to know me better. I'd suffered years of extreme mood swings, even attempting suicide at university.
My relationship with Erin has travelled in parallel with my capacity to manage the worst of my BPD. I've had to learn how to be more patient with myself - and sometimes to be tough with myself, too. I know what my limitations are, and what I need to do to stay well. I try to run regularly and get outside every day. I have a shorter work week so I can manage my energy levels and keep on top of"life admin", both things that affect my overall wellness.
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