'With each photo, I experience a physical reaction. My stomach twists and I feel a jolt of sadness zip from my heart to my fingertips and then up to my throat.'
I take a seat at the kitchen counter after putting my sixteen month old down for a nap. The big kids are at school and I breathe in my first moment of silence of the day. I take a sip of my now watered-down iced coffee and grab my phone for a mindless scroll. As soon as I unlock the screen my stomach drops. There she is, middle of the screen yellow logo, cursive font:I don’t know what kind of sadist created this tortuous app.
Sometimes it is self-inflicted, I will admit. I’ll pull up my photos to look at a picture taken earlier that day, and before I know it, I am scrolling through the years. I see my now nine year old frolicking on the beach in a diaper and my now seven year old on his first day of preschool. I see my now four year old covered in pureed sweet potato and my sixteen month old wrapped in a hospital blanket.
Maybe it’s because the changes that happen to kids when they are young are so fast, and so big. Photos from only a year ago can show completely different people — a different body type, different voice, and different demeanor. Especially the first six or so years, the changes are just extraordinary. It is as if I am looking at photos of someone I once knew, but no longer do. All these little versions of these impossibly important people that I want to go back and visit with, but can’t.
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