With incels across the country growing increasingly lonely and pathetic, The Onion asked men to explain why they prefer AI girlfriends, and this is what they said.
Mark Kurtz, Customs Agent “Beats sticking my penis in a USB port.” Jason Howard, Publicist “She always knows the exact time and temperature, and that’s convenient.” David Winters, Masseur “A real human woman could never overheat and begin to melt in the way my beloved does.” Sam Cavendish, Android “I’ve never been able to get over my robot family’s prejudice against dating flesh-and-blood women.
” David Bristol, Engineer “At least with AI girlfriends, I know my money is going to a man.” Gerome Pearcy, Consultant “They fit in great with my AI parents, AI friends, and AI pets.” James Pinter, Electrician “It’s like the old joke says, ‘Women be constantly training on petabytes of data to formulate instantaneous machine-learning responses!’” Zack Su, Janitor “Usually when you gaslight a woman, she gets angry. But when you do it to an AI girlfriend, she just says: ‘You’re right, Zack.
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