“Mamma mia, I’m-a going to be middle-aged.” In newyorkerhumor, Mario turns 40, throws out his back, starts a podcast, and reconsiders his relationship with the Princess.
It’s-a me, Mario! I was-a working as a plumber in New York when I fell-a down a pipe and landed in the Mushroom Kingdom. Pretty soon, I was-a having all kinds of super-fun adventures, crushing Koopas, dodging hammers, and jumping through castle after castle. It’s-a like my whole life was a game. I’d-a wake up each morning shouting, “Wahoo! Yiiiiippeee! Here we go!”
And I know I’m-a not supposed to say this, but lately I’ve started to think she’s been getting kidnapped by Koopas on purpose. The first few times it happened, I was-a, like, “O.K., that’s a weird coincidence.” But then it happened again, and again, and, like, literally thousands more times.
So, look, here’s-a the deal with Luigi. I’m-a glad he got sober, because, you know, he was-a going to die. And now he does four hours of yoga every day, and he and his husband, Kwame, they seem-a genuinely happy, and I’m-a happy for them. It’s-a great. Wahoo, yippee. At the same time, I’m-a not going to pretend like it’s a blast hanging out with them and all their dogs.
So anyway, I pawn all this crap and call-a the guy who’s got the spine belt. And he’s-a, like, “It’s yours for 20K.” And I’m-a, like, “Hey, you said ten!” And he just laughs, because I guess he can hear the desperation in my voice. So I tell him the truth, which is that I’ve only got fifteen, and he says he’ll take it, but for some reason I have to throw in some garlic. And I’m-a, like, “Huh, that’s-a weird.
But now, as I’m-a standing paused before this beetle, this thing he said comes rushing back to me. “What are the points for?” And I realize that he’s-a kind of right. Because the truth is, the points, they don’t-a really get you anything. You can’t-a trade them in for prizes. Best-case scenario, your tally ends up on a high-score list, next to a word like “,” and even then it’s only a matter of time before the whole list randomly resets for no reason.
And it turns out someone from Dr. Mario’s office called them up, because they were-a listed as my emergency contacts. And they tell Dr. Mario that they’re-a going to help me recuperate, and they’ve already converted Luigi’s solarium into my recovery room. And I’m-a feeling super guilty because there’s no way they’d-a make this kind of offer if they knew that I’d-a stolen from them. And so I start to confess about the Amazon boxes, and Luigi says, “Mario, we know.
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