In a filing cabinet of the County of Los Angeles’ Department of Public Health, there is a birth certificate. On that scrap of paper is a curse in the ancient tongue, one which heralds the arrival of Earth’s new ruler. In prophecies, they will end this world in fire, leading humanity on an exodus to distant planets, whose techno-priests and robot armies will spread the tendrils of empire across the Milky Way. Their name is X AE A-XII, Child of Boucher, Child of Musk.\n
have finalized the name of their offspring: X AE A-XII, or, Ex-Ash A-Twelve. Sure, they had to jump through approximately one million hoops to land on such a creative name—something about SkyNet, imperialism, and spy bombers—but they’re here now! Let’s celebrate that.
With the pomp-and-circumstance of this extended naming ritual now complete, this child can hopefully fade back into relative obscurity.experience a “normal” childhood seems a bit much to ask for. At the very least, I hope that whatever robot toddlers Musk replaces actual human contact with treat Ex-Ash with decency and respect. As it is, Ex-Ash will be the very first human baby to fly a spaceship, or occupy Mars.
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