Most partners expect that moving in together will bring them closer together—and are surprised when it doesn't. Here's what they can do about it.
Don’t worry about what to say. Instead, focus on your emotional state and that of your partner when you say it. In close relationships, we communicate primarily throughCare about your partner’s feelings when you disagree.Shared values strengthen bonds more than common interests. Focus on mutual value investment— things like charity work, appreciation of nature, arts, crafts, andMake it about simple numbers and fair allocation of resources, never about worthiness.
Exercise mutual sympathy for conflicting vulnerabilities. For example, provider anxiety can make spending feel like hemorrhaging, andbinocular vision —the ability to see your partner’s perspective alongside your own. We cannot hold both perspectives together in the autopilot brain. Binocular vision requires upper prefrontal cortex activity—the reflective brain. Stop and think if you feel emotional.
Argue to learn, not to win. The goal is to understand and be understood. Never undermine your partner's perspective. Ask for and add more information.Your connection is more important than whatever you fought about.State specifically what you will do in the future to maintain value and respect when you disagree. Always connect past mistakes to future corrections—specifically what you will do different in the future.
, all animals, including humans, retreat to previously learned habits, unless alternative behaviors have been rehearsed.Ralf D. Wimmer, L. Ian Schmitt, Thomas J. Davidson, Miho Nakajima, Karl Deisseroth & Michael M. Halassa.
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