The lake near the Yorkshire border where I go when I'm struggling to remember my amazing mum
We all have those places which represent true significance in our lives and hold a special place in our hearts.
In the years gone by, we’d pop to the chippy there and casually meander around the lake with chips and gravy. Due to mum’s treatment, limiting her mobility, that no longer became possible but she loved the water and still wanted to go for a peek. Even if it was just a case of looking out from the car.
This Christmas just gone, I didn’t line up quite as much to ‘keep busy’ as I did the previous one, which left more thinking time than I probably needed or desired. So, I ventured to Hollingworth Lake quite a few times, even having that roast from the Beach on one occasion, in an attempt to feel that little bit closer to mum. I listened to her favourite song Ain’t No Stoppin’ Us Now, by McFadden and Whitehead, countless times doing circuits around the water.
A few weeks back I bumped into an acquaintance of mum’s, who clearly hadn’t been aware of her illness, who asked how she was. I was having a bad day and I shouldn’t have done this but I told her mum was doing well as I didn’t have enough in me, in that moment, to face the reality of things. I felt awful after but I simply feared I’d have broken down if I told her the truth.
Undeniably, the past couple of years have changed me. I know we’ll all experience grief and the impact losing mum has had on me has been immeasurable. One of the biggest struggles has been ‘life going on’ and being all-too-aware mum’s hasn’t - I’ve felt guilty about that. I know grief impacts people in different ways and whichever way you attempt to ‘deal with’ it is the right way if it helps you.
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