I Don’t Want More Kids, But I Miss My Pregnancies “Those moments in the quiet darkness while I hummed and breathed lullabies and dreamed of the baby I was growing are some of my most beautiful memories.”
I was pregnant five times. Twice, our babies left us in the first trimester, and three times they made it to our arms. All five times I sang to my babies from the moment I knew they were alive. My shortest pregnancy was only seven weeks long, and my longest pregnancy was thirty-eight, but for all five babies in equal measure, I sang love to them while I was the only home they knew.
There’s no more dreaming about who comes next and what they might look like. We know now that none of our children will inherit my husband’s blue eyes or my almost-black hair. Everyone is already present, and while that’s a beautiful, amazing reality that I can hardly believe is my life, it is a touch bittersweet. Building a family was so exciting and hopeful and fun.If my life had panned out differently, I would have loved to carry a baby or two for someone else.
But it wasn’t in the cards for me. Sure, emotionally, I would have been totally on board, but my body had other plans. I was thirty-five before my body finally cooperated in giving me my third and final baby. All three were born via c-section. I had two losses. I have PCOS. I’m plus-size. I am one million percentOur road to parenthood was fraught with difficulties, and there were times when I was unsure whether I’d ever be able to carry any children at all.
That’s okay with me. I understand that it’s not always possible to validate someone else’s hard time when you are in the midst of your own. I’m not saying I’m as sad as I would be if I had never been pregnant. I know that is a whole different kind of disappointment and pain to work through.I’m simply saying that I miss being pregnant because it was a beautiful highlight of my life.
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