At first, I loved knowing where my daughter was at all times. That didn’t last.
to sleep well during those early, high-alert days of the pandemic, but at least I knew where my daughter was at all times: In her room. Even so, it took me five weeks of quarantine to finally consider what she was actually doing in there. My girl was up late at night, complaining about all the homework her teachers assigned. “They have no idea how hard they’re making us work,” she cried, her eyes tearful and bleary.
But it wasn’t just the periodic table and experiments with sodium hydroxide she missed out on. For me, high school was momentous in ways that had little to do with what I learned in class. I drank, I smoked, I had sex. I set up my foundation for going out into the world. What I learned in the back seat helped me figure out who I was, much more than any chemistry class I might have taken.Flash-forward to the end of 2020.
Instead, we didn’t have a single fight about her curfew, and I didn’t have to stay up at night waiting for her to come home. I felt likeBut things were difficult in other ways. This was my teenager’s time of individuation. At home with her parents every minute of the day and every long, dark night was the last place she wanted to be. This began to manifest in increasingly obvious ways. Tension became constant. Browbeating. Hip-jutting. Eye-rolling.She actually said that to me.
Decent parenting takes a lot of fucking time, and with nowhere to go, we had plenty of opportunity to embrace both rising tension and its repair. We spent more and more time on the couch, stacking our family’s bones of contention, then knocking them down. For me, this was an ongoing expression of unconditional love—the more they bite, the deeper I must love. When my daughter was born, I had the physical urge to snort up her 7 pounds of cuteness to keep her safe inside of me.
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