'The world goes on, and no one knows what you're going through.'
Every one of us, at one point, has known, sat next to, or sat up all night with a woman who has experienced a miscarriage.
Like all good things, the best support begins with empathy. So before we start to think about how to respond to the situation at hand, we must first recognize the feelings at play: the below-the-surface, hard-to-read, heartbreaking emotions that each woman I spoke to admitted kept them up at night.In almost all cases, a miscarriage is no one's fault. The circumstances are usually beyond the mother's control, but too often, women can't help but feel otherwise.
"For me, that resulted in me not wanting to be around anyone that was pregnant, or anyone who might have even mentioned wanting to be pregnant," Miller says."For over a year I avoided being around it — I just wanted to go on with my life."Miscarriages are common by clinical definition, which can unfortunately be the way many medical professionals treat them.
"Anniversaries, date markers can become true triggers," Dr. Copperman explains."There are feelings of guilt, of disappointment, sadness. There's a mourning process and it doesn't go away so quickly." "This was the worst for me," Rafalski explains."It just makes it feel less personal. I already knew that this happened to a lot of people, so hearing it again doesn't always make you feel better. It may not make someone feel worse, but it certainly won't help."Never, ever, ever try to diagnose the circumstances of a miscarriage. This lends to the suggestion that the circumstances are somehow within her control.
"'You just need to relax' was one of the absolute worst things anyone has ever said to me," says one woman who has had several miscarriages on her fertility journey and who asked to remain anonymous."Please know that I am doing everything in my control to do exactly that and more."This response can be a natural go-to, and while it comes with the best of intentions, it's an impossible truth.
"You would never ask someone how much they make, but in this scenario people feel comfortable asking if you've had sex that week," Miller says.The most important thing to remember is to read the signs that your friends and loved ones are giving off. Most everyone I spoke to mentioned the importance of reading the signs. It's all about the particular woman you're dealing with and the type of support she wants — or doesn't.
"The best advice that I give doctors as well as family members when somebody says they've had a miscarriage is that it's OK to acknowledge their loss with a simple 'I'm sorry, how are you?'" says Dr. Copperman.Showing up is important and powerful, but it can also be personal. Some women may want us on their doorsteps with takeout and tequila, while others may want a quiet nod or written words of comfort. Either way, just ask.
Dr. Copperman suggests"validating, supportive, open-ended questions like 'how are you handling this?' or 'who are you turning to for support?' or 'Is there anything I can say do or say that would make this better at this point?'"Mindful checkins can be an extremely appreciated part of the process.
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