Why we tend to be too easy on our loved ones when they indulge in unethical behavior—and too harsh on ourselves
“The most interesting finding to me is the deep ambivalence we find when people respond to close others’ unethical actions,” highlights Forbes. “There is a surprising irony in people’s responses: by protecting close others, the self seems to bear some of the burden of their misbehavior. We seem to maintain our relationships with unethical close others by reacting leniently, but our moral values still lead us to feel embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty about their actions.
“One option to maintain our moral values in the face of a loved one’s transgression is to distance ourselves from close others who transgress by exiting the relationship,” says Forbes. “But given our reliance on those we care about, this is extremely costly. It is far less costly, and preferable, to avoid seeing a close other negatively even in the face of their bad behavior.”Reducing the severity of the act.
Perhaps the most interesting result of the research is that despite responding more leniently towards close others who transgress, people felt worse about themselves when people they love misbehaved.