I had never been my mother’s day-to-day caretaker, but I had organized large swaths of my life around her needs.
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One searing-hot D.C. afternoon—the kind that feels like a wet blanket from a hot washing machine has been draped over your head—the phone rang, and a case worker from Adult Protective Services of New York asked why I hadn’t been showing up to court. This call came as a surprise for many reasons. I lived four states away and I wasn’t aware I was being sued, just to name two.
But also, I didn’t want to. My mother’s borderline personality disorder and major depressive episodes led to, often, a dozen voicemails a day either screaming in rage or weeping in apology for the way she’d raised me. I knew that at the base of it all, she was miserable. She had driven away everyone else in her life with her paralyzing fear of abandonment and her temper, and her only child—one of the only people who would still speak to her—had moved out of reach.
For two years following that phone call from APS, my husband and I pulled out every idea we could think of to get her somewhere safe and affordable. We found assisted living facilities that would accept a Medicaid subsidy; she scoffed—how could we think she’d considerdone that, they’d turned her down. We sent her stacks of applications, made her appointment after appointment to tour facilities with open beds. She refused to go. Without her express consent, the facilities told us regretfully, there was nothing they could do. APS had already tried, twice, to get a court to assign her a guardian. The petitions were denied. She was impaired, the judges agreed, but not enough to take away her agency.
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