THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven.
One of the Eternal Kingdom’s night watchmen confirmed he spotted the angels during a 3 a.m. searchlight sweep of heaven’s perimeter and raised the alarm, thwarting the divine beings’ effort to break through an electrified portion of the Pearly Gates, which are infrequently patrolled at that hour.
While stressing that the incident was still under investigation, Thompson said it appeared the angels had somehow obtained the Keys to the Kingdom, allowing them to unlock the doors of the Eternal House Not Built by Human Hands. Surveillance footage suggests the spiritual beings donned hoods to dim the gleam of their halos, avoided motion detectors by following a carefully plotted path down the gold-paved streets, and then made a break for it across heaven’s green pastures and still waters.
A statement provided to the press identified the four dead angels as Zophiel, Jehoel, Shamsiel, and Metatron.According to celestial sources, this is heaven’s first breakout attempt since 1996, when two angels brutally garroted a guard with a harp string and managed to descend through the firmament into earthly realms. They were apprehended four weeks later when they were found hiding in the dome of St. Peter’s Basilica.
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