“I hadn’t gone on a date without the assistance of alcohol since I was 18. That was ten years of only kissing after cocktails and conversations fueled by liquid courage”
Photo: J.V. Aranda Sitting next to a guy I’ll call Mike, on our second date, I searched my memory for a sliver of how I used to flirt. My arms felt heavy in my lap and my brain felt sluggish. For someone who spent the last decade feeling pretty comfortable around the opposite sex, I was dumbstruck by how self-conscious I was now. How did I used to talk to attractive men before I stopped drinking?
I was a nervous teenager again, clueless around boys and nervous at parties. So I avoided them — until, after two months on my couch staying out of bars and eating licorice like it was a major food group, a friend offered to set me up with her fiancé’s friend from college. I reemerged onto the dating scene with high hopes and, likely due in part to my new candy habit, a fresh case of adult acne.
Even better, I was surprised to find that not drinking on dates could actually be fun. Without alcohol, there was room for simple things like movies and popcorn, walks in the park, comedy shows, and ice cream. Sure, these are all available to drinkers, but they weren’t activities I noticed or enjoyed in the same way when I had other, boozier options.
I know what you’re thinking: of course he bailed. Everyone knows you’re not supposed to show your feelings so soon. But when you’re experiencing every emotion without a drop of numbing alcohol, the rejection feels a lot more raw and messy and real. I cried over those texts. What was the point of dating honestly, presently, openly, if you still wind up crushed in the end?
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