Since its inception, the Onion Gamers Network has prided itself on being the number-one source for all gaming-related news, bringing our readers the latest stories and updates from major players like Microsoft and Nintendo, as well as minor but noteworthy releases from a host of independent developers. In short, we have striven to cover every corner of the gaming world. What we have not done, and will never do, is report on the Chicago Pinball Expo’s signature competitive event or any news whatsoever pertaining to pinball, which we do not consider to be a game but rather a misbegotten abomination.
We have remained steadfast in this strategy to counter pinball’s rise throughout our publication’s tenure. For example, in 1943, as the nation was swept by suspicion of the so-called “Flipper Menace,” the original OGN editors bravely refused to comment in any way upon its existence, lest they risk lending legitimacy to the absurd and pointless exercise of hitting a metal marble through a series of bumpers.
Many urged us to investigate this gathering and its sick “Flip Out” pinball competition, arguing that our sterling reportage could educate these poor pinball fanatics about the error of their ways. But our editors were all too aware that their souls were already lost, ruined forever by the seductive treachery of the ball bearing. Our firm anti-pinball commitment remained unshakable then, as it has to this day.
Indeed, the publication of this article constitutes the first and final use of the word “pinball” in our publication’s history. We felt that this extraordinary editorial decision was necessary after decades of ignorant or brainwashed gamers demanding coverage of the event.
First and foremost, we will never cover pinball. This includes any tournaments, expositions, or events of any kind, as well as technological advances, trends in the community, interviews with “luminaries” in the field, or any other story whatsoever touching on the subject of pinball.Full Tilt! Pinball. We consider these to be little more than a cheap canard by pinball apologists to trick us into covering their sick obsession. We will not fall for it.
We also regard all individuals who are known to engage in this pastime, or have close family members that do, as worthy of suspicion. We will always use extreme discretion when quoting them as a source and ensure that all their statements are subject to a thorough fact-checking before publication. For this reason, our ban on Pete Townshend for his musical promotion of this repugnant pinball lifestyle will never be lifted.
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