Emotionally healthy and available people can sometimes be perceived as boring. Here's how they can develop satisfying relationships despite the stereotype.
People with insecure attachment styles, however, may have emotional systems that are not as well calibrated. Those with preoccupied and fearful styles, who have high levels of attachment anxiety, are likely to be particularly vulnerable to emotional escalations in social situations and then to misattributing the cause of their strong emotions.
Think about it: If your friends call you “Steady Eddy” , you probably don’t evoke much anxiety in others. If you go out on a date and let the other person know right away that you are totally available, not seeing other people, and willing to go join them in whatever they are into—they might not be that interested.Have your own interests and passions that you can share with others.Don’t be afraid to go out and do things on your own.Stop texting.
So often, clients tell me about the wonderful person they met—attractive, successful, healthy, balanced. And then they start to lose interest and end up blowing the relationship. And the young, clean-cut, good-looking, healthy med student who gets passed over for the scruffy bar brawler is probably sitting there alone wondering what is wrong with him. And the truth is: Nothing.
When I met my wife, I had already figured out that nice guys often do sleep alone. When I asked her out on our first date , she told me that she would go out with me but did not want a guy with whom she had to talk on the phone on a regular basis. Being on the right track, I lied and said, “Of course; not a problem.” So, every time I took her out on a date, I made sure to ask her out again for the following week. That way I would not have to call her to make plans.
So, being nice is not really a problem. It’s a good thing. You can be nice, exciting, and romantically alluring, all at the same time.Dienstbier, R. A. . Attraction increases and decreases as a function of emotion-attribution and appropriate social cues. Motivation and Emotion, 3, 201–218.
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