My best friend used the word “unhinged” when I pitched it to her.
My ex-boyfriend and I were in an on-and-off relationship for six years. We’re both in our late thirties, and we both want kids. We’ve gotten to the point where we know that we can’t work in a relationship, even though we care about each other very deeply. I feel like it’s too late for me to find a partner to have kids with, and during our breakup conversation I told him I was devastated that I might lose the opportunity to have a child.
He called me this afternoon and suggested that we have a kid together, but just stay broken up. I told him I’d think about it. I know we can co-parent effectively and have similar values. Our relationship doesn’t work for many reasons: we have wildly different sex drives and preferences; he feels like I don’t give him enough attention due to my busy career; and I’m much cleaner than him, and he isn’t willing to change that.
You don’t know what the future holds, but you do know what the past has already taught you. You and your ex have fundamental differences of opinion on some pretty major issues. If he has a problem with how much attention you paid him during the relationship, who’s to say he won’t also resent the amount of attention you’ll pay to your child ? He already seems to take issue with your priorities; that won’t change in co-parenting.
It’s also noteworthy that having this child together was his suggestion, not yours. Is he using your worry about your pregnancy and parenting timeline as a way to extend the time he spends being a part of your life? Would having a child with someone you know you don’t get along with well enough to date be a codependent and unhappy situation? Try not to dismiss these questions out of hand. Really think about them before making any choices out of a sense of urgency or hopelessness.
There are several ways that you can become a parent, if you’re open to them. You can be a single parent by choice through adoption or surrogacy and parent in community with people with whom you have no complicated history or romantic past. You could meet and fall in love with someone who already has kids and become part of their parenting village. You have options.
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