Dear Annie: I’d like to offer an alternative perspective on your advice to “Trying To Heal,” who is finding it hard to forgive her abusive mother. I would argue quite strongly, and from experience, that forgiveness isn’t necessary to healing. ...
DEAR ANNIE: I’d like to offer an alternative perspective on your advice to “Trying To Heal,” who is finding it hard to forgive her abusive mother. I would argue quite strongly, and from experience, that forgiveness isn’t necessary to healing. Trying To Heal is under absolutely zero obligation to forgive her mother, and she can still heal without having done so.
In my own journey to overcome the effects of the abuse I was subject to for the first 20 years of my life, I struggled and felt like a horrible human being for being unable to forgive my father. Worse, my therapists kept telling me over and over that I would never heal if I couldn’t forgive. Once again, I was being given no power and no agency over my own life. I was powerless as a child and then I was powerless as an adult and being told by professionals that I would always be powerless.
You can understand a person without sympathizing with them. Some things are unforgivable. That’s allowed, and it’s not something people should be made to feel guilty or inadequate over. People are allowed to feel what they feel. The only thing that matters is what they do with those feelings. There is no magic panacea that always heals everyone.
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