'Becoming a mom helped me realize I am gender fluid' Read more:
My first crush on another girl was in kindergarten, and I have been coming out ever since—to myself, my family, my community, and the world—first as bisexual, then queer.
When I found the word"femme," through the queer women around me in my twenties, I was elated. I have always found delight in reclaiming traditionally feminine expressions of beauty for my own power. The femme power-combination of lipstick, great shoes and statement earrings is, quite frankly, unmatched. To me, this expression feels like play. It's not a joke, but a continuation of the dress-up I loved as a child.
But it seemed like they actually did know what they were doing; this was something that had not only come naturally, but had fit them once it arrived. They seemed calm and patient and certain about who they were going to be as mothers. They seemed to feel motherhood was magical in a way that I did not; very few of my friends had children and I felt like I was being carried away from the rebellious life I had loved.
As a mom, I constantly have to assert my identity: not just as a maker of snacks and wiper of noses, but as a complete person with complexity. Fortunately, queer culture reminds me that my beauty as a mom is not in fitting in with the other moms, but parenting from my whole self. Instead of flattening myself into a particular view of motherhood, my queerness reminds me that I am allowed to be complicated, to still be in progress.
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