‘Family secrets are one of the most powerful lies we get caught up in’ Today, Kathleen Wyatt joined us to discuss why we lie. All families have secrets. We asked listeners for their experiences. Six shocking stories stood out. Read our article for more:
Woman’s Hour on BBC Radio 4 asked listeners for their experiences of family secrets. Lots of people got in touch.Reporter Jo Morris met Ellen*, Christine, Jess*, Liz*, Moira and Prue to hear them reveal their family secrets.When Ellen* was a teenager, she decided to tell her mother that she was gay. She was not expecting her response.
“I then asked, ‘does anybody else know?’ and she said, ‘no, I will go to the grave with this and you are to tell nobody.’ The way she fixed her gaze on me, when she said that, I knew she was serious. “If you look at a lot of oral history about gay people, it tends to still predominantly focus around men. There are hundreds of women who did exactly what my mum did all through history. And their story is yet to be written.”Christine was in her seventies when she found out her family’s secret. And it was just by accident.“I grew up with my mum and dad, we lived in a flat. My parents were very secretive. We weren’t encouraged to speak to neighbours.
In 2016, Christine decided she wanted to see her full birth certificate as she’d only seen a shortened version. This gave her date of birth and that her grandmother registered her, but it didn’t say who her parents were. She sent off for the paperwork.“After I’d sent for [the full birth certificate] it suddenly came into my head, what could I possibly find out that could be really awful? And what I could possibly find out that would be really awful would be that Jean was my mother.
“At first I tried to not let it get to me, but that’s impossible. I kept just trying to push it to the back of my head, and then there’s a point when you just can’t do that anymore.”At 14, Jess discovered that her mum was having an affair. She didn’t tell anyone for three years. “Just fear of losing my family completely, fear of family falling apart and not them being the way we’ve always been.”“It all just got too much for me. It was all I could think about. I couldn’t pretend any longer to my mum. My dad didn’t deserve it anymore, I had to get it out.”“She was a mess. She begged us not to tell our dad, and she said she’d stop.”
“If anyone has to go through anything like this and hold something in like that, never feel ashamed to say it out loud or worry what people think of you. Just try and understand your emotions.”Liz* found out a family secret just after her father died. The revelation was so significant, it changed her feelings about her mother.“I was angry. It was like it wasn’t a big thing, it was almost dropped in conversation.
“My mum thought we should be more upset about her and what she’d gone through, and not the fact that she hadn’t told us. “I knew that my mum was not suffering from being a bit nervy, and I knew it was serious. Nobody ever referred to what it was.”“It did not have a name until my mum’s psychiatrist, who was then actually looking after her for dementia in her seventies, referred to her historical diagnosis of schizophrenia. At which point it was out and my father very nearly fell off his chair.
“It’s an impressive ambition to try and keep it secret that somebody has got schizophrenia in the actual house where you are living. “To find that your whole life, part of it has been a lie and your identity is not what you thought it was is shocking.
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