A couple can’t agree on how many children to have. Do you need to figure that out before getting married?
My future husband wants a large family, like his own. He’s one of six, but he says he would be happy with four. Two sounds like the max I could manage while attending to my other goals. As the person who will have to give birth to the kids, I know I will get the final say, but I do feel unsettled about not being in agreement on this in advance.
I also feel as if I’m being a little manipulative if I say, “We’ll cross that bridge when we get there,” while knowing I’m not willing to have a third.: It’s not “manipulative”; it’s deceptive. Stand in and deal with it. “I know you want a big family and ‘would be happy with four.’ With me, though, it won’t be more than two. So: Can you be happy with two?— I can’t be a party to a life you don’t want.
However you phrase it, cross that bridge now. It is very important to straighten this out before getting married. It bears repeating: Family plans and family realities don’t always match; you could agree on six and bear none. But this is a type of life you’re debating: big-family, kid-centric chaos vs. something more adult-centered. They’re so different, each is valid, and each of you deserves to get as close to your ideal as you can. That might just mean you don’t do it together. Face that head-on. Good luck.: Also have big talks about how said family will work.
A year later, I think we both still feel awkward about it and can’t figure out how to find the same intimacy with each other without returning to the well of gossip about my sister-in-law. It’s sort of straining my relationship with my mother-in-law and feels like a pleasure we’re denying ourselves. How do I grow up and get past that?: Sounds like a great conversation to have with your mother-in-law. Seriously.
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