It turns out that despite being England's record goalscorer, Harry Kane has scored precisely zero goals for England. What a fraud.
Date published: Monday 27th March 2023 8:28 -
Definitely the easiest place to start, isn’t it? We’re not entirely sure when ‘excluding penalties’ became a halfway legit piece of flagrant statistical manipulation, but you certainly didn’t used to see it anywhere near as often in the days before a weirdly large number of people took it upon themselves to make proving Harry Kane’s fraudulence an integral part of their personalities.
Strike them from the record, because what’s good about pretending penalties don’t count as goals is that it makes Kane’s record look instantly much shitter. So we can chalk off a goal against Bulgaria, whose obvious incompetence is further highlighted by the fact Kane got three assists before scoring himself. A first-half hat-trick in a 7-0 win over Montenegro also loses its international status here, while most helpfully we can remove the non-penalty bit of Kane’s hat-trick against Panama in the World Cup. In fairness, it was a genuinely silly goal anyway.
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