How can you tell if someone isn’t really into doing you a favor?
, researchers all over the world recorded people's day-to-day lives in high-def video. They found that we cooperate with one another on low-stakes stuff, even more frequently than when we're working together on big things like building a road or hunting a whale — no matter what language we speak or culture we come from. All this cooperation —the researchers call it — not only defines human civilization but literally makes it possible.
But what happens in those rare instances when someone declines to do a favor? How can we tell when somebody would rather not lend us a hand? What is the moral architecture for"I'd prefer not to"? Enfield suggests using that knowledge to gain some mindfulness about interpersonal relationships."If someone says no to you, you realize that's a rare thing," he says."Our first reaction is, this person is being a jerk. Now, maybe that's true, and if they keep doing it, pretty quickly you won't be that person's friend anymore." But an unexpected"no" tells you something else is going on with that naysayer, and maybe you can offer them some grace.
"If you have a hierarchy, you don't always have free choice," says Shakti Lamba, a behavioral ecologist who studies cross-cultural cooperation."The hierarchy forces many of the functions for coordinating people." House rules supplant our cultural predisposition to cooperation.
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